That was how it all started. The maniac of it all.
It was the ending of June, 2014. Those 3 little letters, popping out on my mobile screen like a cheeky little thing staring right at me, daring me to move those fingers on the keypad. Just when I thought he was just another goner.
“Hey”, he replied.
And so it began. The words flew: cheeky, cute, sweet, flirtatious, pouring out of me gradually as we flirted our days away within that small little screen, fingers typing vigorously as if my whole life depended on it and I was grinning to myself from ear to ear like a silly little wallflower teenage girl receiving a text back finally from the popular guy in school she did crush on forever. He was DIFFERENT, respectful, funny, polite, sincere and Oh.So.Fine. My type of fine.
He made me wanted so much to tell him everything about what’s going on with my life and vice versa. Everything just clicked. He blew me away, because in the world of “cyber-romances” honey? To get to “stumbled” upon someone who’s actually interested to get to know you on a much deeper level, rather than trying to get in your panties one way or another is GOLD. JackPot. What I am trying to say is a man with Substance, who carries a weight within this shallow space of false feelings, games and SeX. A breath of fresh air, and Hope. He asks about your day, you shared cute innocent jokes, having somewhat the same values, he sends you cute emoji kisses nights before bed, you get the drill.
I just couldn’t believe the absurdism of it. The absurdism of connecting with someone online. At that point in my life, I dare say he was the first guy ever that I’ve ever been sincerely into/ crazy about, he was all I ever asked and dreamed of(shamelessly speaking, i stalked him on facebook. WHAT? A girl gotta be sure), the mystique boyfriend who i thought would only exist in my fantasy for i was never the hottest girl in school. But there he was. He felt Real. He felt like my…….First Love. Yes, I was literally in Heaven. Every second of every day I was there waiting for his texts like an oasis to my soul and he never fail to deliver. He made me forget about the others. We were long-distanced, but neither of us seemed to care. We talked about future possible plans when we get the chance to finally meet, though now I’ll never know for sure if he really meant it then. He was the first and last thing on my mind everyday. I wanted to make him Mine.
But that was Then.
Because he was gone. Left me in a lurch. It felt like my whole world came smashing down, right down to my gut. It was dreadful. 3 months, that’s how long our “affair” lasted before it completely fizzled out. The texts didn’t come as frequently, I kept shunning it away, making excuses more to myself that he was probably busy. “Oh yes, that must be it. He’s busy, no biggie, he’ll get back soon. Stay cool girl, you got this.” my mind ranted. But i knew better, my heart just wasn’t ready. And yes, if you’re wondering, he had met someone else. Someone that he actually met face to face.
I never quite comprehend what was the cause of it; perhaps i started losing patience in landing a job that i became whiny to him that he finds it irritating, I showed my vulnerability to a stranger far too fast or perhaps he was just simply: A Jerk. “A gentleman jerk”, that’s what I would call them. Was he really all that i thought of him? I fall far too fast, my heart made that decision before my head could. It crushed me BAD. It felt like a thunder swift of gush wind, over and out, piercing through my heart, just like that, the way it started and the way it ended. Hell, you bet it taught me lots. Heartbreaks, oh sweet mama. I was 25 turning 26 that year, still naiveness got the best of me.
I guess i was just simply a temporary stop for him, an awesome online friend to talk to and see where things go. But he was a good lasting memory. It Wasn’t Love, i didn’t even meet the legend. I was just too caught up in what was happening, that how could a guy as gorgeous as him be this interested in chatting with me? Plain old Jane. But in truth, he really did. And in that, i learnt a thing or two about myself along the way.
I’m tempted to reveal his name and everything here but ah, well. I used to call him my “Mr.Penang”, my “Mr.Almost”; “yeah we almost made it.” he told me. That’s about all the info i will give. It wasn’t meant to be for us clearly, and i am perfectly OK with that. I don’t hate him at all and I don’t think about him like i used to anymore. -story of my life
Yes, Let’s Talk About Online Dating.
That was one of my journey throughout this forbidden period(what would my mama says if she were to find out I’ve been searching for guys online? Obscene, she would say). I shared this one in particular because it left the deepest mark; what can I say, I almost found love(God grace)!
After him, I carried on with the game for one year and a half or so, to find a rebound. One after the other, the good and bad, the fakes and the genuine, I’ve been through it all. It was mostly all just naughty texts, testing how far I can go, where it all leads but most of them just didn’t stay long enough for a face-to-face. Sure i met one or two, and both experiences were something that i would never forget.
I knew the consequences that it could lead me into but I chose to ignore, and with that, I put myself through a turmoil of confusions, lust, sex, hurt, exhilaration, disappointments, un-expectations and frustrations; throughout it all, I just kept asking myself: is The One for you really out there in the cyber world? When is enough? How is enough? Should I stop? Should i keep on searching? Is it all really worth it in the end? All these trying to take control of your own love destiny? Was this how the universe’s supposed to work now?
Now, It’s been more than half a year and I’m finally ready to let it go. That decision felt so Right because I felt nothing but Relieved. Relieved from all the unwanted heartbreaks and expectations. Figured I’ve had enough shit of that world and it’s time to kick my own butt to face the real world out there. Because I deserve better. Whatever will be, will be. Plus, throw yourself this question: Do you really want the love of your life, your ultimate Love Story to come from a mechanical setting? “Oh yes, mummy found daddy through the internet, I have to dig him out myself.” I imagined this scenario with the mini-me.
Word of advice? Try to avoid Tinder for your own sake. Unless, you’re just down for a good time, nothing more. It might be the hottest thing in town but that doesn’t quite guaranteed you will find more gems in the fire(pun intended). The more options you get, the less serious it’s gonna get. “So many fishes, why should I settle?”
True Story: There’s this one guy who somehow matches with 99 girls( or was it 999?) on Tinder and still couldn’t work things out with any of them. He’s happily attached now and guess what, he met his partner face-to-face in real life. No gimmicks or games. Yes. Wow. I heard this on the radio last year while driving home by the way.
So for all the love in the world, try on other dating apps/site like this one for instance: OkCupid(if i didn’t get the name wrong). It analyze you and your potential partner with questionnaires before matching you up! It takes extra work to pay the price honey(how far did you think you’re gonna get with just a single swipe?). Prove of success? One of my clients met there and they are already getting married this year; and yes, I’ve sort of “interviewed” them, I can still remember how the bride gushed on how accurate the analysis came out, more so now that they have grown to know more about each other.
With all the bad raps online dating seems to have, it’s not going anywhere. Well, people still need to fuck, one way or another. BUT if you’re one of those hopeless romantics who somehow still choose to believe that you could find your soulmate on the other side of that monitor? Do your research on the choices of trustworthy sites out there beforehand and go for it, you never know where it might lead you: if you found him, please, emphasize it on your Wedding Day. Show it to the world, made it for me for i couldn’t(but for what’s worth, I’ve only really tried Tinder).
Show people like me that it’s not impossible. People still need to Believe, that there’s hope. And Hope is never a bad thing. If you fail, well just laugh it off and share that experience with another(wink). It’s just one of those things where you can look back at and go: Yeah I fucking did that.
Never take anything about it too seriously, it’s either your door or it’s not; and babes, I know you have heard it a thousand times before but still, BE CAREFUL in that world. Don’t, don’t fall for your idea of him. It Isn’t Real(take it from me), those feelings you might have? They aren’t Real. Be a smart(and sassy) chick and don’t break your loved ones’ heart.