I’ve always wanted to be that girl who’s Badass.
Who’s Independent and Strong, who knows what she wants, who refuses to break ever so easily, who’s mature enough to figure things out on her own, who can stand alone on her own. Everyone I knew as a kid saw those changes in me. I wasn’t that little girl nor wallflower any more. I embraced life like I’ve never did before. I thought I did it. I thought I was enough.
That is, until I moved to Singapore, the lion city.
And I knew I was WRONG. Deeply Wrong. My bubble was burst.
I no longer have control over my life anymore, simply because I was too BUSY Struggling To Keep Up With It. Suddenly, it felt like I’ve no idea what’s Happening anymore or where my life is heading. All along I’ve Love this city even more than my country, but I failed to see the Cruel Reality of life- I Love it Without contemplating much about the consequences of Contributing to a Metropolitan Society. All the hard work and slavery that builds up this wonderful tiny country. As with New York, Paris, London. The more Advance the city is, the colder the people are. Nobody really wants to offer up a fair share of their time simply because it’s too Precious for Getting The Work Done. Hustle, hustle, hustle. If you slow down even for just one beat? You would have lost the Rat Race. – that, is the sad truth.
I struggled because I’m Not One Bit like them. And I pray to GOD for dear life that I wouldn’t end up turning into something like that- someone who wraps their Life around work and neglecting the other things in life that Truly Matters. I have to live with my current employer interfering with my Personal Life just because she wanted me to STRIVE better for the company, for HER BRAND. Amid the 100% effort that I put in, she’s gonna reject 99% of it. But hey, that’s just the way it is. That, is how Vicious they are in Getting Ahead of everyone else.
I’m Not even halfway there. All those times when I thought I could be Strong/Good Enough for the world, but I ain’t see enough how harsh Reality can be. I really didn’t know better. I was too arrogant.
As much as I Love this city, it doesn’t turns out like I envisioned it to be- where I could move here, kick ass in my job, make new friends, even with the possibility of meeting someone special, living the life I’ve always wanted. BUT instead, to get there, I needed now to get through this Lonely Secluded Tunnel first on my own. Who knows if that light at the end of the tunnel will ever appears?
I felt Weak. I couldn’t really find that girl in me who was once so determined to hang through in life anymore. Where is she? I Miss Her. So many times, I wanted to just break. So many times, I questioned myself: Will I make it through All The Way? Because right now at this stage, I’m not gonna deny it- Though I acknowledged all the Awesomeness that’s going to come out of it, I still find myself dreading the fact of having to put myself outside my comfort zone, Day After Day. RACING WITH TIME: Every Second, Every Minute; because Exhaustion is taking over me. I hated not really having anyone to lean on just for a minute or two. Towards the point, where I got myself ill, for weeks. Towards the point, where I felt like puking(literally) thinking about the week ahead for work. Towards the point, where I was laying in bed at night, couldn’t get myself to sleep because I was coughing my lungs out so bad and I thought to myself: Is These All Worth It? Towards the point, where I spent my weekends and holidays just recovering/recuperating at home. No one really understood why I didn’t go out and explore the city, have fun.
How could I?
How could I garner extra energy being out having FUN, restarting all over again with a new wholesome life when I’ve already use them all up just to figure out how to Keep Up with just the working lifestyle here? When I had barely enough cash to sustain? Just so I wouldn’t have to starve? Just so I can Prove to myself that coming here wasn’t the wrong decision but One Of The Best Ever? Not now, not at this point.
I’ve Never gotten this ILL since GOD knows when. But I Can’t Give Up Just Yet. This is Just The Beginning. That’s When I Knew.
Turn to your loved ones when you need support they say? YES it does helps Tremendously I agree, everyone needs a Helping Hand from time to time; but you know what it will also do to you if you do it far too many times?- Yes, it makes you WEAK. Plus, there’s only SO MUCH they can do for you. That’s When I Knew- I have to Depend On Myself. Because, The Only Person who’s Guaranteed to be there for you 24/7 without fail? Is YOU, yourself(and of course, GOD) honey. And with that, I HAVE TO TAKE MEASURES. To Survive. For my own sake.
So this, is for anyone of you out there who’s struggling to keep up too. For you and for Me. Because enough is Enough.
BEFORE YOU START COMPLAINING…
Ask yourself: Are You Good Enough in the first place? –Is money rolling in right now for you even if you don’t have a job?- For all of us, I think it really is important to humbly acknowledge this fact. If the answer is NO, well honey, you know what to do. Because on the other hand if the answer is YES/these aren’t your life achievements, you always have The Right then to Complain, and Leave.
NEVER, EVER, SEE YOURSELF AS A VICTIM
I used to manipulate it for sympathy, for support. For people around who loves me to cast away the bad guys. Well, it did felt good for a while. But did it solve my problems? NO. More ever, you are labeling yourself as WEAK to society without you even realizing it.
The moment you start complaining and being a victim, you have already let LIFE win over you, when you could do so much better in the first place; because trust me, You Are. It’s There within you.
One day, I just did it. I swallowed back my words before I went spreading it out over social media again. I went “fuck it” inside my heart and used that rage to do what I had to do instead. Surprisingly, you know what happens next? Right that instance, I felt my Strength growing back up inside of me. I wasn’t even expecting that. AND IT FELT SO DARN AWESOME. Because, what just happened was that I knew I have Already gotten the Upper Hand BACK in life, and from there, you Knew- Everything Will Eventually Be Alright.
So suck in that self-pity and STRUT angels.
3 WORDS: GET. IT. DONE.
Procrastinating Really Is A Bitch. We all know that Awesome feeling that we get when we get something done and out of the way don’t we? So why not do yourself this one HUGE favor and treat it as a habit Now? Apply it in All Aspects of your life. WHATEVER YOU SET YOUR MIND ON, FREAKING DO IT ASAP. Come on, it’s not really that hard. Plus, if you’re anything like me, my Main Motivation for practicing this at work is- YOU GET TO LEAVE THE OFFICE EARLIER. No Brainer isn’t it???
FIND A HOBBY OUTSIDE OF WORK
And when you’re doing it, FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE; which means it definitely have to be Something that you’re PASSIONATE about, unless, you’re already having a Career that you’re crazy about. If not, we all need an Outlet. But I’m not referring to drugs, smoking or clubs or even unhealthy hook-ups. As long as it’s not detrimental to your well being, EMBRACE IT baby.
Till today, I still hated the thought of it. And Till Today, I still LOVE the feeling of actually Doing it halfway through. And I wanted to do more right after. Because I’m doing my body Right. I’m Loving Myself and darn well I should feel Proud Of Myself. We all have a Love-Hate relationship when it comes to exercising.
But Truthfully, it Really SAVE MY LIFE(literally!). I wouldn’t even be where I am now have I not taken this habit those years ago. All the more living here now, it’s the only thing truly sufficient enough to grant me strength again to Stand Up and face the storm ahead. It bought me light again when I felt like drowning. Every time I do it, it bought back a little glimpse of that person that I used to be; and I wanted nothing more than that. That Fuel and Stamina to take life again.
Never, ever take your health for granted. Because once your body mechanism is broken, it’s just one of the worst feeling in the world. Some people won’t even go back feeling well again. It’s a Shame that most people took it for granted, It Really Is. I hope for So Much that they could see the amazing, Amazing things it could do to their life. They could just leave this world without even knowing their FULL POTENTIAL. Think ‘Bout It. So honey, do yourself a favor okay?
IT’S JUST A JOB.
I used to dwell far too much than I should over a job. How did everyone at work think of me. And now all I could think of is: When the End Of The World comes, does all these shit matter anymore? I’m learning now not to dwell too much over a job/my relationship with work colleagues as of now, no matter what negative things happened at work, I just leave it there. And There it should stay. I’ve had enough of listening to what others(including my employer) telling me what to do with my life, because at the end of the day, I LIVE FOR MYSELF. Because those people honey? Are just Temporary.
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO SLOT ALL YOUR TIME JUST FOR A JOB? Building someone else’s Dream over your life, friends and family? To be honest, the sound of that nauseates me.
If you are anything like me, someone who somehow can’t seem to see yourself working for somebody else for the rest of your life, then Learn what you have to Now, FOR YOURSELF; and leave when the time is right.
“YOU GOT THIS.”
Just three little dainty words. But to me, bought such impact inwardly. It’s like a little pinky promise you made to yourself secretly, making that little pact that you Can, and you Will Get Through This.
Lately now whenever I felt that the world is unfair to me, or feeling like throwing in the towel, I paused a little and quietly said to my heart these three words. It works. I don’t know how but it does. Maybe, it’s the fact that I CHOSE to Believe In Myself. And maybe, that’s All I Ever Really Needed to put one foot forward again.
So try this simple chant the next time babe, if you need that extra Will to go on. Not from encouragements on the sidelines but from deep within you. Because most of the time, all you need in life to strive on is that reflection staring back at you.
Be your own cheerleader, always.
The ONE AND ONLY source that WON’T fail you. Something that I needed to remind myself time and again too. Isn’t it absurd that you are running around crazy seeking for refuge/solace from the outside world when GOD is already standing there all along right in front of you, waiting for you to run back into HIS arms? The world doesn’t even stand a mini dot against HIM.
Do this at the Start of your day, Every Day. In the shower, on the bus, driving. HE will be there to catch your fall.
Pfft. How to be a Badass?- Sleep. Yeah, just like that. Amusing? Not Really. It’s the best Magical Pill. I’ve seen the world TRANSFORM from that cold hard concrete into this Beautiful place full of Hope, Love and Greatness; all just because I had a night of Blissful Sleep. I See the world Differently, not to mention a renewed strength to tackle the day again.
Skimp on this, and you’ll watch your lifespan slowly decreasing in front of you. That’s how CRUCIAL it is, even for that extra few minutes of shut-eye.
Singapore Is A Cold City. That, is what I’m going to tell everyone from now on back home. It makes me miss the warmth of my own country tremendously. Tons of improvements and developments need to be done, but throughout it all, at least we have LOVE and COMPASSION lying around every corner.
Will I stay here for Good? I Wish I had the answer to that but the truth is, I Don’t. There’s a saying that goes “In life, you make your own choices but sometimes, the choices Make You.” You have to always be prepared for the possibility of life alternating and turning out of your reach, and even if you aren’t prepared for it, you gotta learn to Embrace it and somehow turning it into a wondrous thing. Right now, I don’t really have a clue as to what to think of my life anymore, things happened, circumstances changed and suddenly I’m left here alone catching up on this Rat Race for Life. What I do know is: How I Needed To Survive. for my own sake.
I realized this could happened to anyone of us. For someone who’s equally lost as me, not really sure where she stands or will she ever be Good Enough, feeling mostly like a fish out of water in a place where you didn’t come from, hoping for a familiar shoulder to lean on. But you don’t have to feel Isolated, because you can bet a hell of a good dime that you Aren’t The Only One:)
So hang in there for a little longer, and know that at the end of the day, even if things don’t turn out the way you wanted to, at least you knew deep inside that you had Hit It With Your Best Shot.