…..When timing is fighting against the both of you.
…..When he is pushing you away.
…..When for you too, you aren’t sure exactly where does he stands in your heart.
…..When, in your heart you knew you still want to make something out of life instead of giving all that time to someone else.
Some of us, aren’t that lucky with love. For some of us, settling down isn’t as easy as the rest. For some of us, our hearts are constantly at War and times, it takes trials and errors to ensure us what’s True. Restless Hearts. And that being, for some of us, reaching True Love takes a longer route than the rest. If you’re one of us, you’d understand what I meant.
If you’re one of us, then good. Because I’m writing this for you.
Truthfully, I never expect relationships would end up being this complicated, at least, for me. I used to think that if GOD were kind enough to send me someone special and along the way if we fall for each other, we would just be together. Just like that, like a snap of a finger.
But it’s WAY more than that. For his part and on mine.
GOD gave me a sense of HIS gracious humor. Bountifully. HE just had to threw in the equation of – Timing. HE sent them into my life and pulls them out again, saying: No child, Not Yet. HE tugged at my heart strings and cut them loose again. And time and time again, I’m left alone here asking GOD: What now? What was the reason that YOU sent him to me in the first place when you’re going to take him away eventually?
But then, when I’m all by myself, thinking it through, and I meant really searching through my heart- I think I know the answer, or at least the answer as to why he was taken away.
Let me paint you 2 scenarios.
Scenario 1: 2 people who Truly Love each other, but were each separated on a high cliff parted by a deep vast ocean in between.
In order to get to each other, they needed a bridge, but there’s None. The only option is for one of them to dive head first into the dark waters to reach the other end, but will that person survive amid the current, what lies beneath the water and then climb up that high cliff to unite with his/her lover? Maybe it might, in time; or maybe it won’t, ever.
The point is, no matter how hard they try, they will always run the Risk of Failing. Because, somethings are just Never Meant To Be. “Star-crossed lovers”, that’s what we called them. Romeo and Juliet.
Scenario 2: Same 2 lovers. Same cliff, same separation.
But what if, this time, either one of them 2 lovers is hesitating of jumping into the water? What if they think it’s too high a risk to pay with their life?
Or, either one of them isn’t willing to wait on the other end of his/her cliff for their lover to actually make his/her way up to where they are? Because being faced with the harsh situation presented right then, their lovers might not make it to reach them, and the person in waiting might be.. waiting Forever.
Because you see honey, you can Love a person so much, BUT, you Can’t or you aren’t ready to love that person the way they ought to be love.
Not when you got your whole life ahead of you to figure it out. Not when you got your Own Self to figure it Out. Do you really want to skip out on the path that your heart really strives, cut short on that journey towards self-discovery and exploration, skimp out on What-Could-Be, skimp out on what you’ve always wanted to do? BUT, you Love him.
Yes, you can choose to do it with another person. BUT, what if he Can’t join hands with you because he has his own path to blaze too? Forcing really isn’t the solution. Do you really want to wait for him? And forgets who you set out yourself to be in the process? Because you spent so much time worrying and thinking about him. Does he Even think about you too? At the end of it all, are all your effort of pining worth it At All? BUT, you Love him.
And, because of that, you wanted to make the Sacrifice for him. Because, Love wins it all hey? And I for one understood fully how women think. We are Romantics. We Crave for Love So Much, so much that it messes with our minds, messes with our soul that we lost control. We are constantly dreaming and fantasizing about the Love that we want, and when it finally comes, We Lost It. We sacrifice.
But, listen honey, you might feel it’s the right thing to do at this moment as long as you’re together, BUT, couple of years down the road, you’re gonna lie awake in bed having these thoughts haunting you at night, eating you away: that dreaded question of WHAT IF; and all those things you wish you had done for yourself, the limits you could have stretch yourself, the person you could have become, the differences you could have made, when you had all those time being Single to sort it out. By then, it would all be already too late.
I know that now. But it’s still not too late for me.
-Let me paint you a Real-Life Scenario of Mine-
I wanted to cling on to him so bad. Because I knew he was True, what we had together was Real. It made me shed tears to know that I’ve finally found the love I’ve always wanted. BUT, deep deep down inside, when we were dating, I knew I wasn’t quite 100% ready to Love him the way he ought to be loved. I was still selfish to have myself to think about. I couldn’t bring myself to jump back a “YES!” like other girls do when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I couldn’t. My heart was tore. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know what answer to give him. And so I didn’t. He went in head first into the Forbidden Territory of developing real feelings before me. You see, we got together without the intention of being in a Real Relationship. We said it would be casual.
And then things changed.
This time it was me. I fall. Head over heels. He left me speechless with un-expectations. And suddenly, I didn’t know how to control my emotions. It was overwhelming beyond my control. I couldn’t stop it. I wanted for him to ask that question again. But it never comes. This time it was him who started pulling away. Pulling away but not wanting to let us go at the same time. He saw our circumstances. He saw what was coming. I was going away. He couldn’t bare a long-distance love. He was tore. But this time I was head strong on making this work. Because I cared about this guy genuinely. He was Real. BUT he wasn’t on the same boat with me anymore. He told me to date other guys but I knew he didn’t meant it wholeheartedly; I told him I would cut this off when he found someone else to date but I didn’t want him to find one.
We didn’t quite know what to do. We knew we Should just cut it once I go, but we couldn’t. I couldn’t bare the thought of wishing him goodbye. And so we tried to hold on even after I left. I was happy to know that he was always there for me, talking to him was the Best Highlight of everyday. But also, I was in denial, because if you ask me honestly how I really felt about this? I felt confused and disappointed mostly, because when people ask me who is he to me, I didn’t know how to answer. I didn’t want to face the fact that I’m actually dating a guy who only wants me half-heartedly, who’s open for me to date others, who didn’t really want to make the effort to Choose Me. And I thought to myself: Golly HOW had he became from an acquaintance to someone who makes me want to be Exclusive with??
And then it finally BROKE.
I wanted to make it easier for us by coming back. He wouldn’t let me, maybe he knew what my heart really desires and he didn’t want me to give it up so easily because of him; or maybe he just wasn’t Plain Ready for Us. And so he cut the string, with words that cut right through my soul.
Seeing him now back together with his ex, I fear for the very worst. Because a love that falls back together, you know that that means it’s True. She was first before me, she was There for him before me, she knew him better than me, and probably she could love him in every way possible that he needs more than me. And now She’s Back. So tell me: How Do You Compete With THAT? How do you compete with someone who held such Significance in his heart? Because he went back to her for A Reason.
And the bottom line is: Why do I feel the need to compete in the first place?
It’s so wrong. No women deserves to be an Option.
Me loving him isn’t going to make her go away. Me loving him isn’t going to change his mind. Right now if I choose to fight, I’ll always end up being on the sideline. I felt so….helpless. I wanted to get him back, telling him I could love him better than she ever will. But, in truth, there’s nothing I can do. Simply because I’m not there. To be completely honest with myself, I can’t win over her. And I don’t think I deserve any of this anymore.
So, I’m backing Out. I have to Let Go.
You see honey, if you read my story thoroughly, you’ll see that me and him, are pawns of Timing. We didn’t develop feelings on the same time. Just when things are going somewhere between us, I had to go away and dream my own dream.
But you know what honey? Every downfall has its silver lining.
I was so mad and depressed at how could he do the things he did. Weren’t what we had matters to him? But now, I’m actually thankful that he pushed me away. I’m glad he made the first move. The right move, for the both of us. I’m glad that he did it for me, because, I just ain’t strong enough when it comes to love. Because right now if I’m not here living the way I’ve always wanted, I would have been resentful somewhere down the road. I would have lost my Identity. Then again, am I glad that I choose my life over him? To be honest with you, Not really too.
He was one of the best thing that ever happened to me. And to eliminate that out of your life is just…Awful. It clutches on to your heart and even if it let go in time, it will always leaves a Mark. But I had to make a choice. I Had To Let Him Go, even if, that mark is still there. I Had to Let Him Go, because I realize this One Thing: he could Never be my casual lover, he’s my Once In A Lifetime Lover. I have zero intention of playing games with him, but then again, I can’t afford to give him all my time and LOVE him like what True Lovers do. Not at this point in my life. I have to face this FACT and Stop being in denial. I Had To Let Him Go, because he couldn’t be that man for me. Also, I Had To Let Him Go, because he’s with her now, someone who could be his forever instead of me.
It’s because, the more you love him, the more you have to trust the universe to spin your love story. If you trust it enough and not always having the urge to control what gets to happen between the both you, it’s going to save you A. Lot of tears and heartbreaks.
Yes, you can hold on each other and work it out till the very end. That’s what love does. BUT what if, you’re face with with a situation like mine? He won’t budge and I can’t be sure I won’t regret if I made that sacrifice. What if, the universe is actually working not against, but according to your will? What if, the both of you meet at the fork of the road once again, after everything you’ve been through and promised yourself to achieve? Wouldn’t a love like that, a love that has matured simply because the both of you had Matured after all those years be Much More worthwhile?
It’s because the more you love him, and you let go, still in the end you ended up with him? Then that means You Were Bound To Be Together. Isn’t that one of the greatest love story ever told? If you force the both of you together, and you Are Together, how would you know this person is Meant for you? Simply because you had to force it?
And if in the end you didn’t end up together after all, yes you will be upset, but then again, you’ll be rest assured with the fact that He Wasn’t Meant For You After All. And that at least you didn’t wasted so mush effort pining and expecting for Nothing.
It’s true what they say: To get something that you really wanted, sometimes you need to take a step back, let go and see what happens.
It’s painful, I know, esp. when it gets Really Lonely sometimes, I know.
But it’s because the more you love him, sometimes The More you’ve to let go, not because you don’t love that person anymore, but because you love them enough to want the Best for them, even if means being away from you. The world doesn’t have to understand, all that matters is you yourself know Why.
So honeys, take a breather, loosen that grip, know and trust that you’re Stronger than you ever known yourself to be, and Let Go.