If I’m being honest with everyone of you here, is that as of late,
I’ve Grown Fed Up With Life.
It isn’t about uncontrollable circumstances but what’s happening now, is all due to my own doing. My ego. My mistakes. No one to blame but myself.
Two things that are happening in my life right now that hell as bother the shit out of me. Two things that are reckoning This Realization as I stop and ponder. Let me tell you my stories and you’ll slowly get my point.
My poor old man. Who’s sick to his core right now as I’m writing this. Coughing his poor lungs out for dear life.
3 ATTACKS he had to suffer this time around.
First. it was the occurring Body Rashes; and the doc just had to give him the Wrong Medication(brilliant, doc). The kind of med that made the rashes rampaged out like a spreading rill of fire all over his entire body. Uncontrollable and fierce. The kind of med which congested his chest and hurt his diaphragm: the areas that control the breathing. The kind of med that my old man’s allergic to.
Which leads to the Second. Non-Stop Hiccups. All Day, EVERYDAY. The kind of hiccup which hits you till you gasp for air and cringe. The kind of hiccup that’s Certainly Not Normal. The kind of hiccup that’s also caused by Acid Reflux from the tummy.
Then comes the Third. Pneumonia. A lung infection which causes fever, coughing and a hard time breathing normally. Not to mention my old man has always been having his sinus infection which makes the situation worse. Which is why even after Thousands spent being hospitalized for 9 days, and the crazy tons of medicine infused into his body, the infection just Won’t Go Away.
Now, as I watch him suffer, I can’t help but think to myself: If Only, I didn’t insisted on making that decision of moving to Singapore in the first place. Because, look where I ended up all the same now?
You might ask why does this has to do with my dad?
Well, let me tell you that all these sickness that he has been going through? It all Started right back when I moved all my stuff back home to Malaysia. If I had known his body isn’t as strong as it used to be anymore, I wouldn’t have let him do too much of those heavy lifting. If I had known better.
Should I not have move back this early? It doesn’t makes sense because the purpose of moving to Singapore? Has long past its due time for me. For me to move back, it’s just a matter of time. Which if you ask me now, makes taking all the trouble in the first place a bit of a laughing stork.
Even with all the personal growth and exposure I’ve gained, it just ain’t worth much now looking at my dad. Who’s to say I can’t grow here in this city where I was born? I just didn’t went to the right work place, mingle with the right crowd. Why did I have to keep thinking the grass is greener on the other side?
Because I Wanted More. Thinking I can be better than everyone else, be one step ahead. But the Truth is, I didn’t learnt how to be Content.
If I didn’t move away, he wouldn’t have to suffer right now.
You win some, you lose some.
I had two interviews waiting for me in Malaysia coming back from Singapore. Company A, whom came to me and Company B, whom I applied for.
And now, I’ve Lost Both.
If you ask me, Company B was my choice before both interviews. But then, something happened right out of my expectation.
Someone came along. This Young Man. The BOSS of Company A, swooping in through that glass door on the day of my interview, with his charming smile and go-getter charisma.
I was taken aback by his whole presence, in a good way. It was almost too much to take. He made me went: Woah, Who Is This Man? I’ve never met anyone like him, someone as young, good-looking, successful, rich and know what he wants exactly in life. Each time he spoke, he made me stammer in reply. He made the whole room came Alive suddenly, as opposed to his previous employee who talked to me before him. He kept me on my toes! He makes the kind of Leader anyone would want to follow.
Sitting there staring at him, I thought to myself: How on earth did you get this put together as a person? I wanted a piece of that.
I went in with a specific position in mind but he went and turn the table around, offering me another position in Sales instead, promising me with a greater future prospect, with salary and commission figures that made my heart leap and my eyes gleam. Assuring me of a training beforehand, a bootcamp training that not necessarily everyone can pass through till the end. He was offering me the position despite my weak experience, he offered me all just, get this, all just based on how I presented myself during the interview. I asked him in the face what if I can’t make it, and he said he’ll extend for me, do a little cheating. I was Dazed.
But if you ask me again, throughout the excitement and flattery at that moment? I Had My Doubts.
Because my instincts didn’t sit right. What’s coming out of his mouth felt too good to be true in that instant. How much truth does it holds? And Most Importantly, I had my doubts because I knew I Hated Doing Sales. He talked as if he knew me, but I knew myself better. And being at the company itself, something doesn’t vibe right with me as well. Was all these Excuses? Because it’s scary and it’s out of my comfort zone? Maybe yes, maybe no. But at the same time, I envisioned myself being this successful apparel consultant earning big, achieving something finally before I hit my 30s’. What if I really got there? But do I really have what it takes to get there? Even without really enjoying what it is that I am doing or the company I’m working with? I learnt my lesson in Singapore didn’t I?
It was a pull and push. And just like that, Company B just suddenly fall short. I went into the interview half-hearted, despite finally sitting on the lounge chair in the company where I’ve used to dream of working in, I didn’t feel the excitement anymore. How could this promised a better life than Company A?
True enough, the salary offered was lower. The superior was more humble, she didn’t promised me the moon and the stars but she requires that I proved myself first before asking for more. And there I was, with my ego lurking its head, looking at her thinking: How far can I go with you, just for you only wanting me being an assistant? Sending her vibes of: I could do better without you. Oh if I had known better.
What I wanted? Was Money. The luxury of not having to keep worrying whenever I spend, I’d been worrying about that all my life and I was tired of it.
And just because I’ve come back from Singapore, I felt like I needed to earn More here now than I did over there, so as to ease my mind of not feeling like being back to square one. It’s almost like, I was trying to save my “mistake” of moving away.
But even after I’ve decided to join Company A, that feeling of doubt just won’t go away. I didn’t really look forward in starting a position with them. I accepted it because I felt like I Had To. Without me realizing until now, I was about to make the same “mistake” again, just like what happened in Singapore during my last job: Going into something which I wasn’t 100% down for and pull out straight after. Damn. Shame on Me.
Atlas, once again, my instinct was proven right.
What happened was when I tried to reconfirm about my offer with Company A, the other person in charged texted me back reading: “We haven’t confirmed you with an offer just yet.” At this stage? I’ve already spoken with Four(four!) of their people. And I knew for sure, they just weren’t sincere, nor do they really believe in me. It was all a Waste Of Time.
I should have known better: after speaking to the second person and not hearing anything back till I follow up. Also, where is MR. GO-GETTER now? “Let me know when it’s the good time to speak, I’d like to follow up with your last meeting with our xxx.” The text sent to me read. Why even bother anymore?
I had a good thing going on didn’t I? (Company B)- an Established Company who will definitely continue to do good in the future, a Solid Platform; even if my superior wouldn’t be the Best Leader out there. The money they offered me, was enough. I was greedy. I remember, choosing back to go with them the night before, and waking up the next morning feeling so much better, feeling like: YES, that is the right decision. But now when I look back, it’s gone.
I’d threw it away. With nothing left now to gain except the realization to be Wiser and a little More Grounded next time.
I made the mistake of thinking to avoid them in the first place because it was deem the safer road to go. And people have always been telling you: Don’t, don’t play it safe. But it really, doesn’t matter what people say.
It isn’t a thing to be ashamed of even if you don’t have that HUGE of an ambition/goal as the person next to you. Or even if you can’t make it just like them even if you’ve tried your hardest. It just simply means it wasn’t meant for you. Or else, Try Again, try better, until you made it.
Sometimes? The smallest achievement could mean Something too, if you care to look a little deeper beyond the surface.
Because sometimes, even at the top of the world, you’ll still be miserable.
Once again, I didn’t learnt how to be Content.
Let me be straight that, reaching for the sky isn’t wrong. But it’s important to know what’s right for you. That Gin & Tonic left on the bar counter doesn’t necessarily meant it’s for you, because guess what, sometimes a glass of plain water might be just what you need after all, in fact, it could do you just Good in the long run. You’ll never know.
The key is to learn to recognize what’s Worth holding on to, and what’s Worth reaching out for. I was influenced by my best friend in a way too. So learn to cast off all other voices that don’t speak to your heart. What’s important to them doesn’t always mean the same for you.
The words “Too Late” isn’t something you’d want to meet with face-to-face.
And so, I’m learning too to start pulling in my reins. At this point of my life, my heart is tired of Uncertainty. The risk of losing it all and starting all over again. I’m afraid I don’t have the energy for that any longer.
As of now for me? I can’t do anything except embracing one of the hardest thing to do, which is to Wait.
And oh, I still have my old man to be here for if he needs anything.