“Sometimes, my heart aches at how my life has turned out, in a good way. It doesn’t mean there haven’t been hardships; there have been. But I’m here, and here is good.”
– Brooke Davis @ One Tree Hill
Have you ever care to search for it through your chaos?
There’s so much that I learnt about my dad throughout this ordeal of him being Sick to his core. Things that opened my eyes as to how really grim the situation has been. Things I’ve never knew, until now.
How he has been taking anti-depression meds for the past year just so he can sleep at night.
How aged he has become when he blacked out and fell to the floor right in front of us, twice. Him not knowing how did it happen.
“I know, to the both of you, I’m a burden.“ He blurt it out of frustration one day. I swear in that instant, it felt like a fierce gush of wind just wiped my heart out. I looked at my mum and knew she did felt twice the blow than me.
The truth is, he’s only as stubborn as a mule.
“Do you have faith in the Lord?” “Sometimes.” He said. “Why don’t you learn to let go, and trust your healing towards God instead.” “It’s not wrong to have half faith in God! Even Peter rejected HIM 3 times!” He started to raise his voice, frustrated from all the coaxing.
That’s when I knew.
How all his anxieties, worries, insomnia, negativity, impatience, depression came from. “He has always been such a reserved person back then when we were dating.” said my mum. Still is, at this age. It’s just who he is.
I’ve always known him to be the shy, serious, not so joyful man that he is, raising a household that holds true to society’s expectations. But never did I imagine he would eventually fall under the D word. That’s a whole different world to live in. It’s cruel because nobody other than the ones having it could really understands what’s going on and it’s going to make things harder esp. when life throws a rough patch at you.
His sickness still comes ON and Off everyday now, making him feeling moody as hell. I’d never seen him being this angry and aggravated. It almost scares us.
Yes, things at home has been pretty Rocky. But you know what else I see at the same time? The Beauties Of It. Getting to know my dad was one of them. As things progress, I started to see one by one. Big and small. But right now I’m just going to share a few of them.
I never realize till now, How Strong Really, Of A Woman My Mum Is. She garners such Strength that puts her own daughter to shame.
Times when my dad has been difficult, yes she too gets upset, fed up, and angry; But never Once did she gave up on him. When I walked away from my dad, she was the one who Stay. She was The First to run to my dad at his slightest glitches. The one who stays Close to him though running the risk of getting contaminated too. The one who gets out of bed despite the exhaustion every single morning. The one who keeps the home in tip top condition(careful not to let the germs spread), making sure daily chores are done, and caring about her sick old husband. Day in, day out. The one who did Do Anything for my dad, even if he failed her. The one who felt illness creeping up on her but Chose to push them away every time. The one who Refuse to crumble because she knows this home needs her. The one who push and Push.
The Most Hardworking Human Being I Ever Seen.
All these, and still managed to keep her sense of humor. Making me laugh. Keeping the light on. Bringing us closer.
If you have been a caregiver before, you would know. It Ain’t An Easy Task.
I will say that, without her, I would have become as Sad and Miserable as my dad. It teaches me grandly to be appreciative of her.
From then on, I knew, she would be my Ultimate Inspiration among others. That, whenever I feel like giving up, all I need is just to think about her.
The Small Little Acts Of Affection Between My Parents that I had never witness before. I wish, we Asians could be as open with our affections towards one another as the foreigners do. But no, instead we hide our feelings; until after it’s too late. Why only tell him/her how you really feel about them only when they are in a critical situation? Why only blurt out then? Why took things for granted when they are well and fit enough to hear you?
It wasn’t until now that I watched my dad hold my mum’s hand in his for the first time, praying together. He ain’t shy to let me see it. Nor when he reached out for my mum and lean on towards her to keep steady. Or that time when my mum ran to my dad in distressed seeing him lying down on the floor, holding him up in her arms crying out “My Husband!”
Body Contact is something they had never show it in front of me and my brother. It was all always so….Professional. Traditional. Too much ego to show.
It’s true what they said about people letting their guards down when life’s at stake. For better or for worse. How in that moment they truly realized how much the other person means to them.
With my parents, I finally see now. How my dad wouldn’t have the will to live on if ever my mum ain’t here anymore. She’s his oasis. And she, will always and forever be the wind beneath his wings.
All these, I watched in silence. But if you ask me? I would have love to whip out a camera and record those moments of affections down. I hope, they would not go back to the way they were.
Even Me, as the baby of the family, has something to take away from this too.
That moment when my dad reached out for me, too weak to say a word; and I went to him wonder what did he want. With that, he just slowly reached for my hand and held it. Letting me guide him to the bathroom. Without a word.
Let me tell you that, the relationship between my dad and I? Was Nothing but Rigid. Only business talks, no feelings related.
But in that instance, the warmth of his hand compelled me a little. Wow, I thought. It’s like touching a foreign substance for the first time. I can’t remember the last time I held my old man’s hand. Was I a little girl? Crossing the roads together? For the first time in a Long Time, in that short few minutes, I felt it. The connection between a father and a daughter.
And also, it made me realize: The Roles Are Starting To Switch Now. Without the men in my family, I’ve no choice but to Step Up this time and be there for myself, and for my mum. No more being the baby everyone cares about.
Being just back from the lion city, there’s no denying that at first I wasn’t prepared for any of this. I had enough to think about and to readjust being back. But now, I guess it’s all good. I needed this to remind myself that I’m bigger than my failed career and love life. That my parents needed me, just me being there.
That there’s more to life. That there’s no reason to give up on myself.
For my dad, God’s Teaching Him To Let Go and Trust. Something that’s going to do WONDERS for him if he masters it. His sickness this time, held a miracle within from heaven. Lord’d sent so many angels to him to spread the message. Watching his facial expressions hearing it in return, I’m seeing a glimpse of hope, as tears form in my eyes.
You and I, We All Needed To Fail. To embrace it in all its Horrendous Glory.
So that we can grow faster. Be able to feel Genuine Pain earlier, so as to have the energy to bounce back, so as to get exposed to this dark pit so you won’t be as fearful of failure.
Have you ever wonder why people with disabled abilities astonish society the most with what they can achieve? Because they’ve been through the darkest hours, where normal people wouldn’t usually have gone through. The strong ones, they know how deeply precious life is, to even be waking up each morning breathing. They felt the pain of not having it easy like the rest but that’s what also Pushes Them Forward, exceeding boundaries. “I don’t even have legs anyway, so what’s there really to be afraid of? What’s there to lose?“
And then there are the Tortured Artists. Who produce crazy, extraordinary works that stun the world. An ability that comes oh so naturally. A way that heals. The deeper hell you have gone through, the more meaningful stories you can tell the crowd.
When you felt no meaning in life, that’s when you pause. Dig. Search. Question. Where does the problem lies? You get angry, upset, frustrated, something inside you came crushing down, exploded to pieces. But that’s also when you Matured. More than your partying peers. Being appreciative, seeing the world in a different lens. You become Bolder. More open in making mistakes. To Explore. To Change. You Restart. Setting your path in a different trail.
If you care enough, you would discovered it: The Beauty Of It All.