The Courage To Love Again – Part 1

People Always Leave.

For as long as I can remember, that’s always has been the case. At least for those that I’d truly care about, those that I’d been crazy enough to imagine a possible future with.

But no. I’d never be the one he chooses in the end.

Never the one he wanted to spend with for the long haul.

I’d come face to face, with the cold hard fact that any woman could have a great connection and the most enjoyable time with a man, but that still won’t guarantee anything.

It’d make me wonder will I ever be good enough only as a pretty accessory/The Almost Girlfriend/a tool for physical pleasure until the right one came along for him.

Perhaps, my time isn’t here yet.


So then I’d told herself: Stop Searching For The Real Thing. Stop hoping too much for a man to love me back the way I hope he would be. I’d start doubting the possibility of settling down someday with a man I would love with all my heart.

My last love did broke me into pieces.

I thought, that was the hardest I could love.

I’d tell myself I won’t ever love the same way again.

I didn’t know better.

Hell it hadn’t been easy but I’d finally stood my feet back up, still clinging on to the broken pieces of him yes but also ready to harden my heart to not fall that easily ever again with the next one.

I’d start to experience this ugly truth called the imperfection of life, something that might too applied to love.

Still, somewhere deep in my heart, I cling on to that tiniest glimpse of hope, waiting, for the one who’s solely meant for me, in an era where everyone else is busy settling.


And There He Came.

Like always, unexpectedly.

“And there you are,” I said quietly to myself. “My temporary phase.”

I’d never imagined myself going out on an actual date with someone else again after the last; but there I was, proving myself wrong yet again, belittled my own heart, standing before a new man.

I didn’t want to fall that way for this new creature again. I didn’t want to like him.

All I wanted, was just a companion. Someone from the opposite sex to hold, to chat, to spend time with. A presence. Someone temporary to fill the gap, till the right one who’s proved worthy comes along.

Till I finally figure out who and what I need.


I’d went in for the blow again.

Placing the word “casual” right on my lip when he asked what is it that I’m looking for. I knew I’d never be strong enough to stick it through with that word. Yet I didn’t care.


“We aren’t casual, we like each other.” He’d told me that night and all I could think of at that moment was how ludicrous that statement was. It’d only been the First Date.

I’d tell him a little about my dating history. He’d then looked me in the eyes, holding my hand saying: “Well I’m glad it happened, otherwise we wouldn’t be together right now.” And as I stared into those pale green eyes, all I could think of is: Do you know what you’re doing right now? You aren’t making it Casual! Are you for real right now?? It’d only been the First Date and he’d already tried to work his magic.

We did the usual things a couple would do. Despite me not wanting it, my past, kept creeping out amid the shadows throughout the night but I didn’t say a word to him.“How are you ever going to replace him?” 

But somewhere across the line that night too, I felt it.

This unexpected ease of comfort I felt when I was around him, despite being strangers. It doesn’t happen usually for me meeting someone for the first time. Or perhaps, it has something to do with the kind of gentleman that he is.

Still, I’d decided that night that I didn’t like him. I don’t even know who he is.


He shouldn’t be on my mind, but the week after their first date? He was. On and off.

I did something that she wouldn’t normally do– the decision to go out with him the second time. Despite not really feeling up to it.

I’d decided to give him another chance.

I had to admit, there’s something there. I can’t afford to let him go just yet.

And that’s when the curtain starts to unfold.

There it was again. In all its glory. This connection that was slowly building up. Conversations flew. Just like the previous guy. Except that this time it’s different in a sense.

Formal addressing turned into mockery. We didn’t decide on that, it just happened. He’d push all my buttons and I’d push them right back, twice as hard. Neither party felt offended, amazed at the way we get each other’s sense of humor. Mockeries hidden with a touch of affection underneath. An unspoken agreement. And from then on, that is how we roll.

I’d found myself laughing practically the whole night through. I’d never thought someone would make me laugh like that again.

He showed me sides of him that makes me pause and wonder. Nevertheless if it was an act to impress me. I’d discover this tiny little sweet side of him. We’d start getting comfortable in each other’s company, like we didn’t just met one week ago.

He’d make me went: hey, you could be good for me.

It’s not supposed to be this way, but hey, maybe, just maybe, we could be something more. I must be crazy. We must be crazy.

And,

He’d manage to take my mind off the previous one. The one, whom I’d loved so hard.

Within my 29 years of existence, I’d finally experienced what it’s like dating an older man officially. He’d taught me a thing or two.

But most importantly, it’s that sense of ease again. I didn’t have to especially dress up for him nor care about the way I eat nor hide the fact that I have a huge appetite. I’d act like my inner child and talked crap and he’d still offer to buy me a slice of cake after dinner in case I got hungry again later.

I have no clue what am I dealing with. All I could maybe grasp is that he somehow shares the same inner child as mine. And it amuses me.

As I looked at him, he didn’t feel quite like a stranger anymore. What shifted?

As I looked at him, I saw a dear friend, someone I’d like to start sharing my day with and maybe opening up a little.

Amazing ain’t it? When you stop and think about how humans’ relationships are cultivate everywhere. Things you wouldn’t imagine doing with that someone today might caught you dead in your tracks months later, or years later.

I didn’t want to like him as more than a friend. I’m at a dilemma. No, not this fast. It’s too early to tell.

“Haven’t you learnt anything from the past? Open your eyes and stop being a fool.”


Three times a charm. And I’d felt like my best friend is leaving.

Three times a charm. And now he’s gone.

People Always Leave.

Yet Again, and Once Again, I’d been left here still gathering my thoughts about the events that just took place. It hasn’t even sink in completely and there he went, on a plane right now to another country for work; leaving a pile of his memories(and two boxes of moon cake) with her, like it never happened for real before.

It came and went. Like a wind. I’d felt like I had a long dream.

People Always Leave.

I’d started to get use to it.

But this time, there’s a twist.

He’s coming back. “We’ll stay in contact,” he said.

Darn you well if you think I’d taken that promise seriously. Men, will always be men.

I’d hope to see him again, sure. I will think of him, sure. But it will be okay too if I don’t see him again.

People Always Leave.

But this time? It’s good. It holds a tiny hope. It gives me time to think. It gives me time to achieve the things I want to achieve. It gives me time for other people besides him. It serves as a test. Only time will tell.

He didn’t just leave a pile of memories behind. He did too make me see something worthy.

He’d make me see, She has the ability to Love again. He’d make me see what else is out there. My man, is still out there waiting. Better things, really do come if you let it in. My heart, hasn’t turned grey like I envisioned it to be. It has, and Always Will have the COURAGE to love again.

Till Then.

xOxO, ALs

 

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